


I'm Just a Kid and My Life is a Nightmare

by alkalinePessimist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crushes, Fluff, M/M, Misgendering, The Strilondes Are a Good Supportive Family, Trans Character, Trans Dave, Trans Male Character, When they're kids the deadnaming is unavoidable fuckin RIP, deadnaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 19:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17269829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkalinePessimist/pseuds/alkalinePessimist
Summary: “Hi Dove! You ready to prove to Karkat how cool you are?”You make an offended noise, but Dove just says, “Hell yeah, I’m the coolest kid in this school, and I have the coolest Bro too.”You gasp, “You just swore!”Dove punches you in the same arm John did, “Jeez, John where’d you find this guy?”“Our dads are friends!” John says with a big smile on his face. “Show him the stuff Dove!”“Okay, okay, chill.” And then she unzips her backpack and pulls out the biggest stack of Pokémon cards you’ve ever seen.





	I'm Just a Kid and My Life is a Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nomisupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomisupernova/gifts).



> I had so much fun writing this y'all, trans Dave is one of my favorite Daves and I'm happy for the excuse to write him more! Happy Christmas and Merry New Year, Kishi!

**1 st Grade**

You had just finished your tower when the girl with the dark things, the… oh what was the word? The, the pointy shapes blocking her eyes clumsily knocks into your taller-than-you skyscraper, sending foam blocks flying across the rainbow colored carpet.

“HEY!” you scream, devastation welling in your chest. “Are you blind? I worked really really really hard on that!” You stomp your foot. “It was super big too! How did you not see it?”

The girl looks at you, the only thing giving her nerves away is a quick motion of her hand tucking a strand of dark hair behind ears that were too big for her head. “Sorry.” She mumbles and before you can yell some more the teacher is there, telling her to ignore you and “Why don’t you go over and play House instead, sweetie?” You purse your lips to stop from arguing, even though you’re still mad the girl _did_ apologize for knocking your building over, you’d just get in trouble like you do with your brother at home. The girl scoffs at the teacher who starts her whole “Now Dove-” but she’s already walking quickly over to the Legos instead.

The teacher sighs, but lets her go, and as she turns to tell you there’s no need to yell every time someone interacts with you, your eyes don’t leave Dove as she starts digging. Even after the teacher leaves you keep glaring at her head until it feels your stare and whips back over to you. You huff and roll your eyes. She makes a face and you make one back as you start to gather your blocks back up. You only get the base started again when the Teacher calls you all back to class.

The girls’ shoulders are tense under your glare for the rest of the day.

_______

The next day John says he knows Dove from Kindergarten, and that she’s “really cool Karkat, not like the other girls who play with the creepy dolls all the time!” You tell him his breath smells like butt and he laughs. During snack time Dove is there, sitting on John’s other side. You stare at her as she sips her apple juice, sure she’s just staring you down behind those stupid things on her face.

Your eye twitches.

During play time, this time John stays inside with you, rather than going out to play dodgeball with the older kids. “I swear Karkat, I’m faster than the wind, all the balls just fly right by me! I can’t be hit!” You just think the older kids don’t want to get in trouble for pounding Johns bucktoothed face into the dirt.

You tell him this.

“John, the older kids don’t hit you because they don’t want to get in trouble for killing a nerd.” You say, and he punches you in the arm. You hear a laugh from behind you, and you turn to see Dove, standing there with her backpack.

Your eyes narrow at her, but before you can say anything, John pipes up. “Hi Dove! You ready to prove to Karkat how cool you are?”

You make an offended noise, but Dove just says, “Hell yeah, I’m the coolest kid in this school, and I have the coolest Bro too.”

You gasp, “You just _swore_!”

Dove punches you in the same arm John did, “Jeez, John where’d you find this guy?”

“Our dads are friends!” John says with a big smile on his face. “Show him the stuff Dove!”

“Okay, okay, chill.” And then she unzips her backpack and pulls out the biggest stack of Pokémon cards you’ve ever seen. 

___

The three of you become fast friends after that, some days Dove sneaking you all out to the woods to play with her Bro’s expanded decks of Pokémon. She says that she can’t share them with everyone because her Bro would get really mad if something happened to them, but she trusts the two of you. Sometimes, you go outside and don’t even play with the cards, you all grab sticks and pretend there’s monsters in the woods that you’re fighting off. John once suggested Dove be the princess that needs saving, but then she punched him in the nose, and now John usually volunteers for the role.

In any case, the three of you never really argued about much.

That is, until fifth grade.

You and John had kept bugging Dove about having a party for her birthday, she had brushed your previous attempts off before, saying that it was too close to Christmas, or her Bro had other things going on, but this year you weren’t taking no for an answer, and neither was John.

“C’mon, Dove! Pleeeaaassseee?” John gave her the puppy dog eyes. “We never get to do anything for you on your birthday!”

“Seriously.” You jump in. “If your Bro doesn’t want a bunch of kids at his place for whatever lame reason-” Dove opens her mouth to protest but you keep going. “-then we can just have it at my house.”

She purses her lips. “He’s not gonna like that I’m gonna be there with a couple of boys.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Well my sister is gonna be there, if that helps.”

“Plus, we can invite Jade! She’s staying at my house for the entire month, I’m sure she’d be happy to celebrate!” John grins and elbows Dove, who looks down at her pink plastic lunch tray.

“I….” She purses her lips. “I’d have to ask Bro.” It comes out as a mumble, but John whoops anyway and slaps your hand in a high five.

The next day, Friday the Third, Dove kept to herself. She agreed to come over in the morning but stayed withdrawn during class and barely said anything during lunch.

When the bell rang at the end of the day she bolted out of her seat, grabbing your arm and dragging you outside. John ran to catch up with the two of you, a look of confusion plastered on his face.

“Dove?” He asks, but she doesn’t slow down. All she does is glance over her shoulder at you and John, then keeps pulling you out towards the parking lot.

Once you get there, she stops and lets go of your arm. You rub where you can still feel her grip and say, “What the hell was that about?”

“I’m just excited for the party, that’s all!” she says, her voiced pitched at an oddly high octave and a too-wide smile stretching across her face. “John where’s your Dad’s car?”

“Uh, that one.” He points to a white - _white_ sweet Jesus – SUV and Dove starts walking towards it. You and John share a Look before following her.

As you reach the car, the door swings open and a girl with crazy long hair and huge round glasses pokes her head out, grinning. “Hey! You must be the birthday girl! I’m Jade!”

She sticks her hand out for Dove to shake but she just kinda looks at it before bumping it with her fist instead.

Jade blinks, but her smile doesn’t falter as she shifts back into the car to let Dove in.

John whispers to you, “Do you think something’s wrong? At first, I thought she might just be embarrassed that we insisted on having a party, but…” he trails off biting his lip.

“I don’t know man.” You say. “I guess we’ll find out.”

You slip into the car next to Dove and John clambers into the front seat. “Hi, Mr. Egbert.” You greet the well-dressed man in the drivers’ seat.

“Hello Karkat, I trust you’re doing well.” John’s dad smiles at you over his shoulder.

You nod, “Yes sir.”

He turns to Dove. “It’s nice to meet you, Happy Birthday young lady. I’m James Egbert, but please, call me Dad.” John groans, but his dad ignores it. “I’m glad your brother allowed you to celebrate with us, we have an eventful evening planned.” He pulls out of the parking lot.

You look over to Dove, who has an arm wrapped tightly around her, and her leg is bouncing rapidly, jostling your leg a little. Jade peers over Dove’s head at you, and you just shrug and look to John for help.

Turned around in his seat, John speaks up in the drawn-out silence. “Hey, Dove, what kinda cake do you like?”

She snaps her head up, the pointy tips of her shades nearly hitting you in the face, causing you to jerk back. “Uh, I dunno, does it matter?”

Johns’ mouth drops open, and Mr. Egbert looks up at her in the rearview mirror. Before John can say something, he says softly, “No, I suppose not. John, face forward. I don’t want your spine getting mangled if we were to crash.”

John grumbles to himself but complies.

The rest of the car ride goes by in silence.

When you get to Johns’ house, he jumps out of the car and hurries to open your door before you even have your seatbelt off, much to your annoyance.

“Calm down, John, you look like a rabbit you’re bouncing so much.” Dove and Jade laugh at that, and it’s such a relief to hear Dove laugh that you completely miss whatever Johns response was.

So, instead of answering, you just put your hand on his face and push him out of the way, not sure why you still feel tense. John just laughs you off and he and Jade excitedly talk to each other as you all make your way into the house. Mr. Egbert directs you to take off your shoes and to put your backpacks in John’s room as he makes his way into the kitchen. John happily grabs your and Dove’s backpacks, making a face at you to say something to her while Jade bounds up the stairs behind him.

You look at Dove as she gets the scope of the place, hunched over on herself as her head tilts back to follow the heightened ceiling.

“Hey, Dove?” her head snaps over to you. “Are you okay?”

Her mouth hangs open for a second before she remembers herself and hastily responds. “Yeah man of course I mean why wouldn’t I be y’all are really sweet to want to be doin’ this for me and-”

You grab her shoulder and she cuts herself off. “Look, neither of us want you to be uncomfortable, and if you’re not feeling up to this, you don’t have to stay. I’m sorry if we pushed you into-”

“You didn’t! I really want to be here.” You stare at her, an eyebrow raised. “Okay, yeah, I’m kinda nervous but, like.” She bites her lip, hugging her arm closer to her chest. You frown and try to look but she keeps talking. “I just. I’ve never been in a place this nice, or a car that nice, or.” She takes a deep breath. “Or ever really celebrated my birthday before? I just don’t wanna do something wrong or break somethin, my Bro is always sayin how clumsy I am….”

You’re speechless, and Dove just looks away from you, fidgeting. You had never thought what her home life might be like, why she might be so insistent on never having the two of you over, or always got really quiet when the subject of conversation turned to family or home life. You had always assumed her life was just like yours, only with her brother raising her instead of parents.

“Dove, trust me, we want you here. Honestly, I’m honored to be sharing your first birthday party with you, and I bet John would be thrilled about it too. You don’t have to pretend here, okay? We like you cause you’re our friend, and we want you to be happy.”

The corners of her lips turn downwards, and she sniffles, and holy shit she might be crying. Before you can say anything else, John and Jade come bounding back down the stairs, packages in their hands. John hands one of the packages to you, he was keeping your gift for Dove in his room so she wouldn’t stumble upon it during school that day, not that it would’ve mattered.

 Dove turns quickly to wipe her eyes and you turn John and Jade’s attention to you by asking where Jade’s last trip was to. She excitedly starts telling about how her, her brother and their Grandpa were in their ship, sailing from island to island in the Pacific, right around the Philippines. John gets that starry-eyed look on his face as she goes on about the marked-up ruins they found on one of them, but her story fades as Dove comes up behind you to listen in, now more composed. You glance over your shoulder and smile, and her cheeks are pink as she smiles back.

As Jade finishes her story, Mr. Egbert comes back into the living room, now carrying a massive cake with eleven lit candles flickering as he walks. He makes eye contact with John, and then with you, and then Jade, and all of you start singing ‘Happy Birthday’, shuffling around so that you’re all facing Dove, with Mr. Egbert and the cake front and center. As you finish, Mr. Egbert leans in and whispers, “Make a wish and blow out the candles, dear.” She nods at him and grits her teeth in a line before blowing the candles out in one sweeping breath.

John shakes your shoulder in excitement as you cheer. You can’t eve be mad at him because you feel like doing the same thing.

Mr. Egbert moves you all into the kitchen so he can set the cake down on the table to cut it, and you gather around it, John setting his present in front of Dove as his dad starts cutting the cake. “Here you go, Dove!” She hesitantly starts to open it.

“You didn’t have to buy me anything guys. The party is really enough.” But there’s a tiny, disbelieving tone in her voice, and you know she’s loving this.

John makes a ‘ppffppf’ sound, waving off her protests. “Of course I did, that’s what friends are for!” The paper falls away, and Dove opens the box. “I thought you might like them, since you’ve been thinking about making ‘your own brand’.” She pulls out a pair of rounded shades, much less of a stabbing hazard than her current ones.

“John…” she pulls a piece of paper out of the box. “Is this legit? How the hell…”

John beams. “Yeah! They were surprisingly easy to get, my Dad knows a guy in Hollywood. They’re the real deal, D!”

She looks up at John and smiles, “I can’t believe you got me shades that touched Ben Stiller weird, sort of gaunt face dude. This is the sickest present I’ve ever gotten.”

You smirk, John had spent almost a year trying to get those shades for her, you remember helping him. Dove gingerly puts them back in the box as Mr. Egbert starts passing out cake.

You all take a bite of cake and Jade eagerly places an incredibly weird-shaped present in front of Dove, it’s long, thin, and has weird things sticking out of it. Dove picks it up, turning it over in her hands before opening it.

“John said that you like shitty swords,” Jade says to her as she tears the wrapping paper away. “-so I made you one!” Dove is left holding a blue styrofoam…. sword?

“Holy shit.” She whispers, holding it up closer to eye level and running her hand over the jagged edge of the “blade”. It has smaller, different colored styrofoam bits glued on the edges, you have no idea how Dove is managing to hold it so steady.

“Jade.” Dove looks up at her. “I love you.”

She gasps and hugs Dove, making her drop the “sword” in order to hug her back. After a moment, Jade pulls back, and Dove hikes her arm against her body again, grimacing. You frown, and when she turns to you, your nerves are replaced with concern. There’s a knock on the front door, but you ignore it and ask, “Dove, is your arm okay?”

She freezes, her shades reflecting your own worried expression back at you. “Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.” She shifts in her seat. “C’mon, Karkat. Hit me.” You raise your eyebrows at her, and she raises them right back, and John and Jade are looking between the both of you.  You relent, setting your wrapped gift in front of her.

Over the years, Dove had consistently passed you little notes, doodles, and other bullshit to try to get to laugh in the middle of class. You had kept all of them, and put them together in a book, trying to make a coherent story including every piece, and when you didn’t have a piece of paper, you supplemented the story with your own drawings. You’re worse than she is, but you hope she appreciates the effort.

She flips open the cover, stares at the first page, then quickly flips through the rest, a smile creeping back over her face. John and Jade lean over to look too, and none of you notice as Mr. Egbert slips out to answer the door.

“…Karkat… I…” Dove looks up at you. “You kept these?”

You flush a little, but you smile. “Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. I had to add a few things, but-”

“Sorry to break up the party, kids, but Dove?” Mr. Egbert says, walking into the kitchen. “Your Brother is here for you.”

 

 

The look of awe on her face is replaced with horror, and she goes white as a sheet before turning around in her seat. “I’ll, uh. I’ll be right there. I just gotta grab my stuff.” Mr. Egbert nods, and she turns back around stiffly, her jaw set.

John and Jade nervously look at each other, and you can feel the tension in the room as Dove scoops up her presents.

“Dove?” you ask.

She stops, not looking at you.

“Are… is everything okay?”

“Uh-”

“Dove?” A taller man steps into the kitchen, her brother, you assume based on his similar eyewear. “You can’t just run off like that without tellin’ me young lady.” He crosses his arms, face neutral and voice monotone. This is the guy Dove has been looking up to? “You’re in big trouble.”

“Br-”

“Nuh uh. Save it for later. Let’s go.”

She starts shuffling slowly, like she doesn’t want to, looking back at all of you sitting frozen, watching.

Her brother sees her stalling and his face tightens. He sighs and grabs her by her arm, and Dove stifles a scream by biting her hoodie.  You and Jade stand up in reaction, and John stiffens, but her Bro is already dragging her out the kitchen. The three of you jump to follow them as Dove is dragged past an alarmed Mr. Egbert.

“Sorry to waste your time, sir.” Dove’s brother says on the way out the door. Mr. Egbert tries to protest, but Dove’s brother cuts him off. “Have a good day, now.”

The last you see of Dove is her tear streaked face twisted in pain as the door closes behind them.

_____

**Freshman Year**

It’s your first day of high school, and after three years of grueling pain and suffering (*cough*middle school*cough), as well as your family holding a custody battle to get you out of your Bro’s house, you’re pretty damn ready to head into the so called ‘best years of your life’ that is high school.

…Yeah, you’re just going to follow Rose around like a lost goddamn puppy and hope nobody mentions your busty chest your binder doesn’t hide at all.

Fucking Amazon binders.

Anyway, you’re walking behind your sister and she’s got you by the strap of your shoulder bag because if not you’d be right back home under the covers of your amazing full sized bed, and you’re keeping your head down and averting your gaze from behind your rounded shades.

Rose leads you to your first class and helps you find your seat.

You give her a weak smile. “Thanks, Rose.”

She looks at you like she doesn’t fully believe you’re grateful she made sure you were in class but then she smiles anyway. “Of course, Dave. Do you have your note?”

“Of course.” You pull out the note Mom wrote for you just in case any of your teachers tried to start anything about your gender. “As if mom didn’t have a three hour talk with the principal and the staff about it already.”

Rose gives you a long-suffering look and you grin at her. She sighs. “See you at lunch, Dave.”

She leaves, and you sit through math in silence, doodling.

____

After math comes English, which you deign to sit a little closer to the front for. English is just a fun subject for you, and fitting words together comes naturally to you. Especially when you reach the poetry section of the year, it actually poses some sort of challenge.

You watch as kids file in, and when the bell rings the teacher stands to start class.

“All right, welcome everyone, my name is Mrs. Gibson, and this is my teachers’ assistant, Karkat Vantas.” Your heart stops and you blood runs cold. _Karkat?_ You knew you were in the same district as your old middle school, but _shit_.

You slouch down stiffly in your seat and ignore the movie adaptation of the book your class will be reading this semester, focusing squarely on your former crush until the bell rings.

_____

You sit wedged in between Rose and Roxy at lunch, hunched over on yourself while you shove apple slices into your mouth. They’re chatting about their days and plans for after class and all you can think about is _Karkat Karkat Karkat._

Did he recognize you? He looked so invested during class, you can’t even remember what movie you started, you just watched him as he watched the movie, entranced almost.

God it’s so fucking weird that you still like him this much. Makes you feel all tingly and shit. Maybe you should…

No. He probably doesn’t even remember you. And even if he does, he wouldn’t connect that to you now.

At least, you hope he wouldn’t.

You break out of your haze when you bite your own finger on accident. Welp, you’re out of apple slices.

You look up from the table to find Dirk staring at you, meeting your gaze through two layers of glass. “You all right ‘lil bro?”

You know Dirk means well, but this kinda shit aint exactly something you want to talk about in the middle of the cafeteria. So, you let your lips twitch up a little and say. “Yeah man. First day boredom, you know how it is.”

Dirk’s eyebrow twitches up suspicious, but he nods at you anyway.

Yeah, he’s gonna corner you as soon as you get home.

If Rose doesn’t get to you first, that is.

Lunch ends with a double hug from your sisters, and the rest of the day is eventless. The ice breaking games blur into a mess of goddamn alphabet soup, but its cold so you just dump it out the window while mom isn’t looking.

By the end you’re somehow both jumpy from trying to hide from Karkat (who you hadn’t seen since English) and exhausted, and there’s an ache forming behind your eyes.

So when your family informs you that you will _not_ in fact be going home right away, you slump against Roxy and let out an exaggerated groan. She plays along, pouting at you and petting your head sympathetically.

“You tired, Davey?” she squeezes your shoulders and you grumble.

“Oh come on Dave, I thought you wanted to come to the “Gay Meeting” as you so eloquently put it.” Rose pokes you in the ribs and you bat at her hand.

“You’re lucky to have veterans show you the ropes, man. It’s not gonna be so bad.” Dirk chimes in.

You purse your lips. “Fine. But only for a little bit.”

Roxy squeals and hugs you tighter and your bones groan in her grip. “Let’s go then!”

And so you’re dragged off to the school’s library. The sign reads: “Media Center.” Whatever.

As you’re dragged in, you see various students stop what they’re doing and look up at you and Roxy.

Everyone including Karkat.

To quote the man in question: ffffffffffuuuuuUUUUUUCK. Why the hell is he here?

You instantly turn beet red under ~~Karkat’s~~ everybody’s gaze and hunch over on yourself. You know there’s no getting out of the situation now but maybe you can just _avoid_ it for a while. Hell, maybe he didn’t even recognize you.

Roxy sits you down on a couch and plops down next to you, Rose and Dirk following suit. You sneak a glance at Karkat and yep he’s still got his eyes fixed on you. Welp.

“Dave?” Rose frowns at you and you whip your head over to her. She raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Are you okay? Are you sure you’re not feeling sick?” She puts a hand on your cheek. “Your face is redder than your shoes.”

Dirk leans over and hands you some water. “You sure the binder’s okay, man? You need to take it off?”

You shake your head and take a sip from your brothers’ water bottle. Your chest won’t make it through this stupid meeting binder or no binder with Karkat staring at you like that.

The meeting begins with everyone going around the room introducing themselves, and their pronouns. Huh, cool. You say your name quietly when it’s your turn and there’s not much fanfare to it, but it does feel kinda cool to do it.

After introductions and announcements are made people are let free to mingle with each other. “Not much to do on day one, huh?” You ask, and Roxy rubs your shoulder.

“Nope! Just introductions and a safe space to hang out after school.” She leans in and whispers in your ear. “It already looks like you have a friend, though.” She gestures to the boy who’s been staring at you through the whole meeting. You go stiff. Goddamnit, she noticed.

“Iiiii’m not sure what you mean.” She rolls her eyes.

The kid’s only been staring at you weirdly all day. Why don’t you go over and-”

“Excuse me? Sorry to interrupt, but…” You turn and see Karkat standing there. Fucking damnit. Roxy winks and slips out of your grip before you can clasp down on her. “Uh.” Karkat blinks at her for a moment before refocusing on you. “…Dave?”

Your mind blanks. “Who’s Dave?” You blurt out.

He blinks at you this time. You can hear your siblings’ simultaneous facepalm ring out behind you.

“Didn’t you… introduce yourself…”” he’s at a loss for words, you can tell because he has his mouth hanging open like a goddamn fish and he’s waving his arms all around trying to take off.

“Uh, yeah. I did. Sorry.” Your face is even redder than when you first came in here. “I’m Dave. Yeah.”

He closes his mouth with the click of his teeth. He nods. “Right, okay, I thought so. I….” and there he goes again, not having any words.

Goddamnit you’re gonna have to help him with this one, aren’t you?

“…It’s… nice to see you again, Karkat.” You try for a smile but you don’t think you’re pulling it off. “It’s been awhile.”

Karkat finally seems to find his words. “AWHILE? Jesus Dave, John and I thought that guy murdered you or something!”

You glance around, but the only people who give you a second glace is your family, and they’re all muttering to each other. You’ve never told them about the disaster that was your thirteenth birthday.

“Well, I’m alive.” You honestly just want to hug your old bro, but you’re not sure-

Karkat crashes into you so hard you almost fall over and squeezes so tight that all the air is pressed right out of your lungs, but you don’t care, you’re squeezing him back just as tight.

“I hate you, you know that?” Karkat’s voice is muffled by your sweatshirt.

You set your chin on his head, satisfied that you’re still so much taller than him even now. “I missed you too, man.” You let the moment last a couple more seconds and then, “Okay but seriously I can’t breathe, lemme go take this boa constrictor off my chest.”

He whips away from you with a look so apologetic that nearly has you laughing at him but all that comes out is a wheeze. He grabs you by the hand and takes you to the bathroom, away from your worried family. You give Dirk a thumbs up and he gives you one back, grabbing Rose by the arm before she can make her way toward you.

You look down at Karkat’s hand in yours and you’re breathless for a whole different reason.

You are so gonna get it when you get home.

Karkat looks back at you, as if he can’t believe you’re still there, and you realize you don’t really mind how much shit your family is going to give you.

It’s worth it.


End file.
